I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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