You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
