R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Randomize
