I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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