____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
