i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
