ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
