I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
