I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
