You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize