Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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