I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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