ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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