i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
