oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
