My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Randomize
