I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
he's single and there are thong briefs.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
