the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Randomize
