At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
