Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
