I wish I could teleport
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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