Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
