Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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