I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
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