Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
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