Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
