He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
