did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
