Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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