Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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