theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
