if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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