i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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