no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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