I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
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