Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
