yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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