dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
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