Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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