just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
