Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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