Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize