I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
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