chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
