i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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