I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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