Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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