a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
