Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize