ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
