YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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