Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
