i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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