I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Randomize
