Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
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