Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
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