I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
